My First (and Highly Vulnerable) Blog PostFeb 12, 2024
(This one’s especially relevant for newish entrepreneurs or anyone sensitive who fears rejection, visibility, failure or going out of your comfort zone in order to grow.)
Yesterday morning I did something that felt really big to the parts of me that feel afraid of being visible. I sent out an email announcing that registration has opened for a new class I’m offering, and once it was sent, I felt both proud and SO RAW the whole rest of the day.
Proud because I have spent SO LONG overcoming fears of public speaking, visibility, sharing my voice, impostor syndrome and issues with worthiness and lack. Proud because I’ve navigated a steep learning curve and invested a ton of time and money into creating a new online platform for my business. Honestly, the development of this platform has felt to my soul like I’m building my dream home. There is something so deeply nourishing about watching this come to fruition.
It’s been a journey that has felt both flowy at times and like climbing the most massive, endless-feeling mountain I’ve ever climbed. Design was fun. Learning and troubleshooting new, complex technology and concepts all on my own was NOT. Everything took so much longer than I thought it would. Opened up so many cans of worms I didn’t expect.
For YEARS I have dreamed of having this online space to visually house the teachings I’m here to share. And for the first time this weekend, I got to SEE my class that I created as a product visibly sitting in my beautiful online platform, like the first piece of furniture in this home that I built.
I can’t even put into words the way my heart felt seeing that milestone reached after such a long, difficult journey. I was delighted for sure, but also wanted to drop to the ground and cry a bit because it just felt so huge to me. For someone else it might seem minor, but for all that I’ve gone through over the years to reach this point, it feels HUGE.
If you haven’t done it before, you may not know that sending emails to a business mailing list audience is a vulnerable thing. Especially for us sensitive souls, there’s A WHOLE LOT of inner reckoning that has to happen to feel good about it.
A glimpse into what it’s like if you’ve never done it before or if you aren’t highly sensitive:
If people don’t open your email (even if they never saw it because it went into promotions/spam folders), an automatic story comes up from your ego/wounds that tells you you’re being rejected and that no one cares, leaving you feeling invisible and unheard.
If it actually does go to spam/promotions and no one sees it, then all of your time and investment feels like it’s for nothing. Then you ask why you even bother doing it.
If people open your email but don’t respond in any way (even if you don’t ask them to!), it feels the same way.
If people don’t click on any links you include, it feels the same way.
And then sometimes you get unsubscribes in response to the email you sent, which can feel totally personal if you’re not doing plenty of inner work to not be offended by it.
SO, you can feel how challenging it can be to be in business as a highly sensitive person with fears and triggers around rejection and visibility, and still try to keep showing up everyday and growing.
This is why it’s a HIGH PRIORITY for me to give myself A LOT of space to sit, ground, center, listen, clear and transmute all the yuck. If I don’t, it will keep me small and in victim mode, which does not help me OR the people I’m here to help.
So, yesterday after sending the email, despite knowing full well that in the world of business people rarely sign up for things the first second they see them in an email, I kept checking from my raw, vulnerable state to see if anyone signed up for the class. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
More self- criticisms rolled in: “It was probably too long. It’s so hard for me to write concisely. It might have sounded too salesy. It might not have even made sense because I wasn’t at my best when I wrote it.” (I wrote it from the library in the middle of navigating a 4-day power outage at home and troubleshooting tech issues on the platform all week. Literally BOTH my “homes” not working. I hardly had the capacity at that point to generate sensical words.)
Partly I kept checking my email after I sent it to confirm that all the technology I set up would work IF someone tried to register, and I wanted to be available to iron out any kinks, but also there were subconscious parts of me that wanted to feel the validation of all the hard work, personal stretching and investment that went into even making it available.
But… it was silent. Except for an unsubscribe.
So, I felt more auto-stories bubbling up and feelings of questioning myself, my worth, my offerings, my efforts. Wanting to speak no more of this class and platform I created that I was SO proud of only hours earlier and worked SO frickin’ hard for.
It had only been something like an hour since I sent the email, and THAT is how quickly my pride and massive accomplishment was completely overshadowed by YUCK.
And it’s all fascinating because I KNOW that the odds are low for someone to just buy immediately from a single email. So, it wasn’t so much about disappointment that they hadn’t registered yet, or unmet expectations that they should have, but it was my deeper wounds getting activated and their desires to feel seen and accepted.
So, when I woke up today I knew I needed to dedicate some time to exploring and clearing these junky feelings. I cozied up in my bed with paper, a pencil and the soft glow of a candle, and I just listened within and wrote.
Poured out onto paper all of the times in my life when I’ve felt this way before. Identified in my body what that energy felt like and where it was. And then I energetically cleansed it from my body and filled myself up with light, my Divine Feminine energy.
I listened to the Source wisdom and guidance that poured onto my paper immediately after that.
“Don’t mistake talking to the wrong crowd as rejection. You’re simply displaying products, as you would in a catalog or a store, and it’s not about acceptance or rejection. It’s just being visible so that the right people find you. A VERY important distinction for you. You aren’t facing rejection– you’re in an open space just BEING, just sharing what you do. If you weren’t sharing, NO ONE would find you. You’re learning to share in new ways, new spaces and about new things. There’s content, there’s design, there’s technology, there’s tracking, there’s fulfillment. Be SO proud of all the layers you’ve learned to work with, all the growing you’ve done. It doesn’t matter what others are doing. YOU are creating your own stability. You are building a visible act of LOVE, you being here. You ARE the expert. No need to persuade. Not selling as a persuasion. Selling as BEING. Conversion wasn’t even a thing when you used to sell your jewelry. Pieces sold themselves just by you BEING there with them and sharing them publicly as your creations. You didn’t feel rejected back then when someone browsed and didn’t buy. You just KNEW that there were people out there who they were meant for… and they appeared… over and over and over. Thousands of the right-for-you-customers appeared and your work touched them deeply. They became regular buyers and dear friends.
You’ve seen and been taught many things about sales that never felt good to you. You tried them anyway because they said 'that’s how it’s done.' But you now know better. You’re staying true to YOU in all ways. No selling as persuasion. No chasing. Selling as BEING. Just welcome people as friends and guests into the beautiful “home” you created, and make them feel safe. ‘Show them their Divinity,’ as you were once told is your purpose in this lifetime, during a channeling.”
So, my friends, THAT right there is the beauty of our inner worlds. We can find it by prioritizing that space to work through the wounded stories of the past and emerge from that self-blaming, self-destructive, victim-mode, Distorted Feminine funk. Prioritizing that space changed my entire morning. I wasn’t willing to proceed with my day until I dug into what it was all about and did something about it.
I feel light. I feel inspired. I feel courageous and celebratory. I will check my email this morning and whether or not there are sales notifications or unsubscribes from that email, it doesn’t matter. Something old and big and gross-feeling is no longer being carried in my body.
Something that was keeping me small and wanting to hide is no longer guiding me. I feel free to proceed with joy and love and share my work in the world as I am meant to, spreading beauty, peace and hope everywhere I go.
AND that time this morning also unexpectedly offered what felt like a perfectly imperfect way to start the blog I’ve been wanting to start. Something that I wasn’t planning to do this week, but apparently now it’s happening. Another gift of listening within and allowing the Divine Feminine energy to lead.
We’ll see how else this blog develops. I don’t really know anything about having a blog, so it’s another steep learning curve. I’m willing to explore it and see what happens. For now I'm just putting my thought streams here to get them out of ME, and eventually I'll add photos and make it prettier and richer.
What I do know is that there is no shortage of beauty and magic to be found in our inner and outer worlds, and sharing THAT is what wants to come through me at this time, in support of my own healing and blooming, and yours.
(And maybe I’ll eventually be able to write shorter things so that more people might read them, but for now that remains a challenge, and I need to give myself space to just allow all that wants to come out, to come out. I trust that those willing to read it all the way through are those meant to see it.)
May we all discover the beauty and magic within and around us, and share it with one another, however that may look, sound or feel.
Love to all,